NODA Pantomimes 15 Metro Centre, Peterborough, PE2 7UH Tel:+ 44 (0) Fax: + 44 (0)

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3 NODA Pantomimes 15 Metro Centre, Peterborough, PE2 7UH Tel:+ 44 (0) Fax: + 44 (0)

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5 This script is published by NODA Pantomimes 15 Metro Centre Peterborough PE2 7UH Tel:+ 44 (0) Fax: + 44 (0) to whom all enquiries regarding purchase of further scripts and current royalty rates should be addressed. CONDITIONS 1. A Licence, obtainable only from NODA PANTOMIMES, must be acquired for every public or private performance of a NODA pantomime script and the appropriate royalty paid: if extra performances are arranged after a Licence has already been issued, it is essential that NODA PANTOMIMES be informed inmediately and the appropriate royalty paid, whereupon an amended Licence will be issued. 2. The availability of this script does not imply that it is automatically available for private or public performance, and NODA PANTOMIMES reserve the right to refuse to issue a Licence to Perform, for whatever reason. Therefore a Licence should always be obtained before any rehearsals start. 3. All NODA pantomime scripts are fully protected by the copyright acts. Under no circumstances may they be reproduced by photocopying or any other means, either in whole or in part, without the written permission of the publishers. 4. The Licence referred to above only relates to live performances of this script. A separate Licence is required for videotaping or sound recording of a NODA pantomime script, which will be issued on receipt of the appropriate fee. 5. NODA pantomimes must be played in accordance with the script and no alterations, additions or cuts should be made without the prior consent of NODA PANTOMIMES. This restriction does not apply to minor changes in dialogue, strictly local or topical gags and, where permitted in the script, musical and dancing numbers. 6. The name of the author shall be stated on all publicity, programmes etc. The programme credits shall state Script provided by NODA PANTOMIMES, London, WCIR SAU. NODA PANTOMIMES is a division of NODA LIMITED which is the trading arm of the NATIONAL OPERATIC & DRAMATIC ASSOCIATION, a registered charity devoted to the encouragement of amateur theatre. 5

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7 WHITTINGTON AND HIS CAT BY ROBERT MARLOWE WHITTINGTON A COUNTRY LAD TOMMY HIS CAT ALDERMAN A MERCHANT TRADER ALICE HIS DAUGHTER S COOK IDLE S APPRENTICE OF THE GOLDEN VENTURE MATE OF THE GOLDEN VENTURE SULTAN OF MOROCCO (COULD BE SULTANA) FAIRY SILVER CHIME SPIRIT OF THE BOW BELLS KING RAT LEADER OF MOROCCAN GUARDS CHORUS OF - CITIZENS OF LONDON - SAILORS - EASTERN DANCING GIRLS - MOROCCAN GUARDS - ATTENDANT RATS - MASTERS OF THE LONDON GUILDS WITH THEIR LADIES. ACT ONE SCENES SCENE 1 A street near The Mansion House. SCENE 2 Outside Fitzwarrens stores in London Town. SCENE 3A street near The Mansion House. SCENE 4 Inside Fitzwarren s stores. SCENE 5 The milestone on Highgate Hill. SCENE 6 Dick Whittington s dream. - INTERVAL- ACT TWO SCENE 1 The Pool of London. SCENE 2 All at sea, below decks. SCENE 3 The deck ofthe Golden Venture. SCENE 4On Morocco s wild shores. SCENE 5 The banqueting Hall of the Royal Palace of Morocco. SCENE 6A street near The Mansion House. SCENE 7Wedding of The Lord Mayor. 7

8 NOTES ON CASTING AND SCENERY Should be typical Principal boy with good figure, particularly legs, also strong singing voice. ALICE Young and prettily feminine. Able to sing and move well an asset. ALDERMAN Mature actor with presence. AND MATE Teamwork required between these two. Captain bossily exploits his mate throughout. This is the Dame role. Can be played by a woman but is traditionally a male which makes certain business more acceptable to an audience. A female showing her knickers can be strangely offensive! TOMMY THE CAT A good cat skin is essential so that your audience can believe totally in the animal qualities. Though cat is male, he can obviously be played by either. sex though should be small. Probably an intelligent child could cope. SULTAN OR SULTANA Best played by a man who can create a greater atmosphere of fear. However if played by female must still be a fearsome character in vein of the Wicked Queen in Snow White. Actor should be possessed of strong presence and singing voice, also of commanding stature. 8

9 FAIRY Preferably young and pretty. Every little girl s idea of what a fairy should be like. Able to dance an advantage, to partake in a ballet sequence for Highgate Hill scene, though this is not essential. If played by older actress then still remain glittery in style of Billie Burke in the film of Wizard of Oz. KlNGRAT Really heavy character, menacing and evil. A good mover would be an advantage to lead the jazz dance routine that the rats perform to sink the ship in Act two. However this can be omitted if only an actor is used. Note If you use local dancing school, try to get older girls for routines. Small babes can be used if desired, but preferably only in the Highgate Hill scene where they could be included either as small woodland creatures or pixies, elves etc. Small children tend to steal every scene just by being present so my advice is to use them sparingly no matter how appealing they are. Children can of course, be used as little rats to overun the banqueting scene where quite a few are needed to create havoc. SCENERY The scenery is of course governed by your space. The pantomime is written so that a full set is followed by a front cloth or tabs so that the next set can be changed. If hiring sets then there will be no problems. If however you are designing and making your own keep everything simple and very brightly coloured as in any child s fairy tale book. In fact, children s books can be a source of inspiration. Cut-out pieces against a cyclorama sky cloth can be as effective as full cloths; in fact some times better. 9

10 The period of most Dick Whittington pantomimes is medieval but obviously personal taste of the Director can place it in any period Tudor etc. In fact, available costumes will probably dictate your particular period. You will notice that I ve used one front cloth three times for ease of settings. Obviously if you have no facilities for cloths of any sort then a small cutout piece of scenery against the tabs will have to indicate the location. i.e. a signpost with a milestone for Highgate Hill, a palmtree with rocks for Morocco s wild shores etc. etc. Ingenuity is the keyword. N.B. The author has endeavoured to write a script that will be All things to all men. This may have resulted in some gags being too cheeky for certain clubs or organisations. Whilst these gags are purely in the spirit of Music Hall and many culled from children s comics etc., they can quite easily be toned down or erased without affecting the meaning within the scene, which has sufficient material to scan and play well. In actuality the script can benefit from the inclusion of local place names, and personalities known in the locality. A careful perusal of the script to this end would personalise your production! 10

11 ACT ONE SCENE 1 A STREET NEAR THE MANSION HOUSE. This is a frontcloth prologue. It is night and has a sinister atmosphere. If possible use a smoke machine and dim lighting, a dance routine involving little rats slithering and squeaking, even possibly running down into the audience so that we have the impression of being overrun by rodents. Musical suggestion - Hall of the Mountain King from Peer Gynt or similar creepy music. Rising music to a crescendo and enter, with a flash, KING RAT, the small rats all cluster cowering around his feet. N.B. In the tradition of pan to, evil must always enter P.S. whilst good always enters O.P. (from the audience s point of view this is R for evil L for good, and you must never alter this rule. Neither do the protagonists cross into each other s domain - which is an equal half - unless they are alone with other characters when the whole stage is their domain.) KING RAT (thunderingly) Behold! - Tis I The mightiest power on earth. Master of all I survey, A King of ignoble birth! At my command, it s within my power To over-run London this midnight hour! Hordes of rats a plague will spread, That all of the citizens will soon be dead. Then will I assume my rightful crown, As the Lord Mayor of Olde London Towne. 11

12 (Small Rats squeal excitedly) (FAIRY ENTERS with flash and tinkling chimes) FAIRY (ringingly) King Rat, the time is now at hand To foil your plans to rule this land. A champion I ll find to win this fight, Cool of courage, with strength of right! KING RAT (scornfully) Ha! Cool of courage, strength of right? You ll not find one to match my might. Thousands of rats will spread disease From house to house, just as I please! Of one thing I m sure or I ll eat my hat, Every human being is scared of a rat. FAIRY Tis true. Your vile and cowardly plan Brings fear to all - especially man. But I ve another adversary - who Will be unafraid - even of you! The answer to the vilest rat, Will be in man s friend - the humble cat! (At mention of cat all the little rats squeal and quickly EXIT) KING RAT (witheringly) You don t scare me so easily. First find your champion Then we ll see Exactly who will win the day. FAIRY I have no doubt that I shall find A lad who s honest, good and kind. Then will you learn in every way That evil must perish and good hold sway. (They EXIT to their respective sides as lights fade to BO) 12

13 ACT ONE SCENE 2 Outside Fitzwarren Stores in London Towne At curtain rise stage is dimly lit as the dawn is just about to break. Set should resemble an old view of London if possible, depending on the period you finally decide on, with a shop doorway clearly indicating Fitzwarren s stores. Slowly, an old nightwatchman shuffles across stage. He carries a lantern. Have music softly playing to create atmosphere. Musical Director could arrange a montage of the old London cries for the following: London Bridge is Falling Down; Cherry Ripe; Won t You Buy my Blooming Lavender etc. The action will show what is required. NIGHT WATCHMAN Six O Clock on a fine morning and all s well. (walks across) Six O Clock on a fine morning and all s well. (He greets various characters as they enter, one or two at a time, until the scene is bustling and the lights come up as though day has broken). N.B. (Be sure to bring lights up slowly and imperceptibly) GIRL FRUIT VENDOR Cherry Ripe! Cherry Ripe! Ripe I cry! Full and Fair ones Come and buy! MAN KNIFE GRINDER Knives to Grind Come! Come! Knives to Grind Come! Come! 13

14 GIRL LAVENDER SELLER Who will buy my blooming lavender Sixteen branches a penny, Who will buy my blooming lavender Sixteen branches a penny. ANOTHER FRUIT SELLER Ripe strawberries ripe, Ripe strawberries ripe, MILK MAID (with buckets and yoke) Any milk today mistress Any milk today mistress. (These cries should all be blended into each othe! in a melodic fashion). NIGHT WATCHMAN (finally) Six O clock on a fine morning and all s well. (Street action is now busy with people buying, sweeping steps, going about their general business etc.) (ENTER ALICE who is greeted by all, and into full production number with dancing and singing.) (Suggested number London is London, from Goodbye Mr. Chips ). ALICE Good morning everyone. What a beautiful day it is. ALL Good morning Miss Alice. (ENTER ALDERMAN from shop) Alice, what are you doing wasting your time gossiping. You know my ship sets sail for Morocco next week and we ve got to get all the provisions organised for a long sea voyage. ALICE Yes I know Father! But really we could do with some more help. Your apprentice Idle Jack is not much use, he s always asleep somewhere I know my dear, but I m afraid I can t afford any more staff. Not since all those rats got into the cellars and ate up all the stock. 14

15 ALICE ALL ALICE Oh Father, those horrible rats seem to be everywhere, and we don t seem to be able to get rid of them. (takes handkerchief from pocket, mops, brow) I ve tried! I ve tried! I d use rat killer but it hasn t been invented yet! (Puts handkerchief back in pocket, gives a screech and pulls out a large black rat wriggling by its tail) Ooooh! Ooooh! Ugh! How horrible etc. etc. Quickly Father get rid of it before it bites. ( rushes round stage as all cower away. Then he goes downstage and hurls it into audience - it is fastened to a length of elastic so will spring back again. Repeat a couple of times but no more otherwise it loses its impact. He finally flings it offstage) I can t understand where they re all coming from. They seem so organised as though someone is in charge and leading them. If we re not careful they ll overrun London and eat us out of house and home. Talking about eating, I ve not had my breakfast yet. Has anyone seen Sarah? She went shopping early, where has she got to! (He EXITS into shop with ALICE) (DAME now ENTERS with up tempo catchy tune. Suggestion Busy doing Nothing, in which she is joined by chorus. Make this brief though). (to chorus) Now off you go! I want to talk to my friends. (CHORUS EXIT and Sarah turns to audience) Hello! (They will probably make a feeble response) I said hello! (Response) Well now, my name s Sarah. I expect you know yours! 15

16 16 I do hope we re going to be friends. I want you to do something for me - will you? (Persuade a reply) I want you to look after my aspidistra and if anyone tries to steal it will you tell me? You will? Oh good! (She gets potted plant from wings). Look, I ll stand it here by the side and if anyone tries to take it you all shout Oi! Shall we have a practice? I ll go off and creep back and then you shout Oi! Ready - here I go. (She EXITS and returns immediately with exaggerated tiptoe towards plant) Did you do it? Well I didn t hear a thing! You ll have to be much louder than that! Let s do it again. (Repeat business as you wish, though not too much). Ooooh! That s lovely! Well, now we re friends I d better tell you a bit about myself. I was born at a very young age yes - and then when I was four I was orphaned. Aaaaaahhh! (to audience) Come on, don t be mean - Aaaaahh! (They respond sympathetically) Well I wasn t actually orphaned. Mum and Dad sent me out to play - then moved!!! But I was very good at school. Oh yes, I knew all the answers. The geography teacher asked me where the Welsh border was. I told her, he d run away with Auntie! Then when I was six I was expelled. Aaaaahh! (Sympathy business with audience again). I was caught behind the bike shed playing tiddley-winks with the boys. Every time they tiddled, I winked! Anyway I ve got a lovely job now. I m cook for Alderman Fitzwarren. Oohhh, he does enjoy my brown Windsor pate!!! And as for my puddings. We often have a roly-poly together! Oi! -You! (points to lady in audience) Out! - We don t want

17 any mucky thoughts here! Really, Mr. Fitzwarren s such a considerate boss. He came into my kitchen the other day and he said Have you got rats! I said, No! I always walk like this! No, No he said, We re over-run with rats - they re everywhere. Upstairs! Downstairs! In the ladies chamber. I pulled myself up to my full height. I told im - I said, They most certainly are not! I empty those every day! Anyway I can t waste time with you lot. Where s that Idle Jack? I sent him out shopping but I ll bet he s got it all wrong. Jack! Jack! Where are you? Come here, you idle good for nothing. ENTERS circling the stage on a scooter. He finally collides with Sarah and topples to floor) What are you doing down there? Getting up! (he rises) Ask a silly question! (To audience) Well what do you expect - Chekov? Now, Jack, have you done my shopping? Yes I ve got your shopping. Well I m going to check it with my list (takes out list) First flour. Did you get my flour? Yes. I got your flower. (Dips into bag and brings out large daisy) (Snatches it and hits him with it) Oh you stupid juvenile detergent. I didn t mean flower, I meant flour. (consults list) Did you get my bacon? 17

18 What sort did you want? Lean back. (Stands sideways to audience and leans backwards) What sort did you want? (Watching him, bemused) I told you -lean back. (peering in bag still leaning back) I didn t get that. (drily) No - neither did they (pointing to audience). I bet you didn t remember to get my chicken. Oh yes I did! Did you remember to get it dressed! Of course I got it dressed (He takes a prop chicken from bag. It has a little net skirt round its middle) What on earth s it wearing? It s wearing a four! It looks like a tu-tu to me. Well, two two s are four (to audience) get it, tutus are four - Oh well, please yourselves! But Jack, look, its got a bulb in its mouth! (This prop can be easily accomplished by the props people. It needs to be larger than life of course and fitted with a bulb and battery which can be switched on) (Holds chicken towards audience so that head is clearly visible and switches on light) Of course it has. It s a battery hen!!! (Optional - They could go into a quick chorus if desired to get them off. Suggestion Hey Little Hen or We re off to Bake a Sunshine Cake 18

19 AUDIENCE MATE MATE MATE MATE MATE (As they EXIT, the and MATE come on and move towards aspidistra. Hopefully audience will not forget their duty). I say, what on earth is this (goes to grab it). Oi! Oi! Oi! (DAME pokes head round proscenium) Hey! What are you doing? Don t you dare touch my aspidistra. Oh it s yours is it? I d heard you d got the biggest one in the world!! (pushes him) Cheeky - but I like you. Thanks kids. Keep an eye on it won t you? (She EXITS) Well here we are in Cheapside and this looks like Alderman Fitzwarren s shop, the gentleman who s engaged us to sail his ship to Morocco. (To mate) Tell me, have you ever sailed a ship before? (Incredulously) Have I sailed a ship? Have I sailed a ship - (pause) No! What jobs have you done before? Well I was a bouncer for Mothercare and then I became a Test Pilot for Airfix. Well that hardly qualifies you so I ll have to tell you about a boat. On one side is starboard and the other is portside, then below is the bulwarks. And where s the cowshed? What do you mean, the cowshed? Where the bull works! You re next to an idiot I ll move then (he steps aside). Come back here. Now tell me, can you swim? 19

20 MATE Of course I can swim. When I was three years old my Father used to row me out to sea, throw me in and I d swim the two miles back to shore. Wasn t that difficult at three years old? MATE Oh, I quite enjoyed the swim. Getting out of the sack was the most difficult. Well now you re a seaman, do you have any requests? MATE Yes. If I die can I be buried at sea? Of course you can, but why do you ask? MATE Well, my wife says when I go, she s going to dance on my grave. Come on, smarten yourself up, here comes Alderman Fitzwarren. (ENTER ) Ah, gentlemen! BOTH (glancing behind them) Where? You re the two I engaged to sail my ship to Morocco. MATE Right cock! Don t call me cock, call me Sir! MATE Sorry, Sir Cock! Now I want you to go down to the harbour and make sure there are no rats on the ship before we sail. BOTH Aye! - Aye! - Sir. Shiver me timbers, splice the mainbrace and all that rot. (THEY EXIT) (going over to aspidistra) What on earth is this weedy looking thing doing here? AUDIENCE Oi! Oi! Oi! ( runs on) Hey, who s tampering with my tulip!!! Oh Fitzy, it s you. Haven t you been told you mustn t tickle a lady s aspidistra! You are naughty! 20

21 BOYS (separatley) Why Sarah, what a lovely looking dress. Who went for the fitting? I ll have you know I have the figure and face of a twenty year old! Well you better give it back, you re getting it all wrinkled. Ooooh! (she wails). You are unkind, I don t know why I work for you. I ve got a nasty little bedroom right at the top of the house. Every time I look out of my window I can see the man opposite undressing for bed. I know your room and you certainly can t see into the house opposite. You can if you stand on top of the wardrobe!!! Now come on, Sarah, I ve been waiting for my, breakfast for ages. I m starving! Alright. I ll go and make you a nice tongue sandwich. Oh no! I couldn t possibly eat anything that comes out of an animals mouth. How about a boiled egg then! (Double take, and they both EXIT into shop. There is a commotion offstage and TOMMY THE CAT is chased on by half-a-dozen boys. He has a tin tied to his tail and the boys are hitting at him with sticks and throwing things. He cowers centre stage.) Go away) you rotten mangy old beast! Clear off you fleabitten ragbag! Shoo! Shoo! You smelly old bundle of fur! Get off you ugly looking apology for a pussy! 21

22 FAIRY KING RAT (ENTER WHITTINGTON who sees the boys tormenting Tommy) Hey, what do you think you re doing? Clear off before I smash your heads together. (He chases boys away and goes over to Tommy who is shaking with fright). Come on don t be afraid, I won t hurt you. (Tommy backs away) Look! See here, I ve got a little milk left in my billycan. You can have it. (he undoes his bundle which should be the traditional red and white spotted cloth tied onto a rustic stick, and takes out billycan which he places on ground. Tommy tries to get his head into it but can t. Sits looking puzzled then has a sudden idea. He takes his tail and dips tip into can then sucks milk off tail) (laughing) Why you clever old puss, I d never have thought of that! Here, let me untie that old tin can for you. (He bends to untie and the lights dim whilst they freeze into still picture) (FLASH - ENTER FAIRY) At last a lad both kind and true His courage has rescued Tommy, who Together will save this beleaguered town From the evil, King Rat swears will bring it down! (FLASH - ENTER KING RAT) You interfering Fairy of the Bells! You dare to think a country boy and his cat, Can equal all the evil power invested in King Rat. I ll meet your challenge and prove beyond any doubt That good shall perish before this night is out. (EVIL LAUGH AND EXIT) 22

23 FAIRY TOMMY Of all his claims I have no fear Our hero Dick Whittington, with his cat Will survive all these evil schemes And King Rat will be defeated by a young man s dreams. (EXIT FAIRY. Lighting returns to full and Dick finishes removing can, the action of which remained frozen through previous dialogue). There, that s better isn t it? Now I d better introduce myself. I m Dick Whittington. What s your name? Meow. Meow. Meow. Oh dear, I wasn t very good at languages at school. Perhaps I should go to the library and get a catalogue! TOMMY (impatiently) Meow! Me Me Me oww! Meow! ALICE Sorry what was that!. (He bends down to listen closely) Oh your name s Moggy, that s not very original. (CAT shakes head) It s not Moggy! Well come on, one more time. What s that - Tommy! Is it Tommy? (To children) Is it Tommy, boys and girls? (they respond and Tommy jumps up and down excitedly). Good, that s settled that then. Now I m afraid I ve not got any food with me. I ve travelled a long way and eaten it along the way, so we d better try and get a job somewhere. (He sees Fitzwarren s stores) I know, I ll try here, shall I? (Cat nods). (He moves over to door just as ALICE Fitzwarren steps from shop. They almost collide). Oh excuse me, I was just going to enquire if there were any jobs available today? I don t think there are, actually. You see my Father owns these stores. I m Alice Fitzwarren. 23

24 TOMMY ALICE ALICE ALICE How do you do? I m Dick Whittington and this is my friend Tommy. Meow! Meow! (He bows to Alice) I ve just walked all the way from Gloucestershire because I was told the streets of London were paved with gold, but so far I ve not seen much evidence of it. And both Tommy and I are starving. We haven t eaten all day. You poor things. Just a minute, I ll see what we ve got in the larder. (She EXITS into store) I say Tommy, she s very beautiful isn t she? I d certainly like to get to know her better. (ALICE RE-ENTERS with some bread followed by Alderman and who is. canying a large cheese dish) Here you are Dick, I ve found some bread and Sarah s got a piece of cheese for you. (As she hands bread over, Sarah lifts cheese lid and gives a shriek for there sitting underneath is a huge rat. Fitzwarren grabs at it and it falls to ground. General confusion but Tommy leaps forward and grabs rat and chases all round with it, finally finishing centre front where he beats it to death amid cries of encouragement. During this scene the citizens have slowly entered wondering what is happening and they join in the cheers.) I say, what a wonderful ratter that cat is! Father, he belongs to Dick Whittington here and they re looking for a job. Well I really can t afford any more apprentices but with the rats eating all my stocks it would certainly be useful to have a cat like that around wouldn t it? 24

25 ALICE Oh Sir, please give us a job, we ll sleep anywhere, won t we Tommy? (Cat nods) Under the counter or down in the stockroom. I promise I ll work my fingers to the bone. That s no good. You can t serve in the shop with boney fingers. However, even though I can t afford to pay you much, you ll certainly be a useful addition to my staff, so you can start today - agreed? Oh thank you Sir, (To Alice) and thank you Miss Fitzwarren. Please - call me Alice! Thank you - (hesitates shyly) Alice. What a wonderful day this has turned out to be! (Song. Suggestion - On a Wonderful Day Like Today.) (Full Company Production Number into BLACKOUT at Finish) 25

26 ACT ONE SCENE 3 A Street near The Mansion House (ENTER and MATE) Well! Now that you re in the Navy and have the rank of Mate you re entitled to join the Officers Mess so let me give you a rundown on the week s activities. You ll love Monday - because a few of the fellows club together and we purchase bottles of Scotch! Gin!! Rum!!! and everything we could want, and we go back to the Mess and have a wonderful time getting stoned out of our minds! Oh, you ll love Mondays! MATE (apologetically) Well er actually, I don t think I would like Monday. You see I don t drink. MATE (Amazed) You don t drink? Good Heavens! Well never mind, you ll love Tuesday! On Tuesday a few of the fellows get together and we bring out the roulette, Blackjack, Chemin de Fer and cards, and we gamble the night away. It s great fun - you ll love Tuesday! (Still apologetically) Well er actually I don t think I would like Tuesday. You see, I don t gamble. Good heavens, you a sailor and you don t gamble? Never mind, you ll love Wednesday!! Do you know what we do on Wednesday? (He gets very excited at Wednesdays prospects) A few of the fellows get together and go down to the Cat and Fiddle and we pick up some of the prettiest girls in town! 26

27 MATE MATE MATE We take em back to the mess and have a wonderful time all together. You ll love Wednesday!! (Embarrassed) Well er actually you see, I don t think I would like Wednesday. I don t do that sort of thing. (Suspiciously) I say - you re not one of those are you??? (Very miffed) Good heavens no! Of course I m not one of those. (Matter of factly) That s a pity, you won t like Thursday either. (ENTER ) (She has a watering can to water her aspidistra, which she proceeds to do) Hello boys, just freshening up my aspidistra. As my late husband used to say You can take a horticulture but you cannot make her learn. (pause) Get it. Never mind, that s one for the Brains of Britain. Cater for all, that s my motto. So we ve heard! Cheeky. (Digs him in ribs) I say what a lovely smell around here. (To Captain) Have you had a bath? No! He s changed his socks! (Captain reacts) I say do you like my new perfume? Go on, smell it!. Phew. What s it called? (Coyly) It s called Perhaps and it costs twenty pounds a bottle. Blimey. For twenty pounds a bottle it should be called Most Definitely!!! (Giggles and pokes Captain in ribs) Oooh you are saucy! 27

28 MATE MATE MATE Well Here, smell my new after shave! Phew. What do you call that? It s just called Toilet Water but it gives me a terrible headache. How s that! Every time I put it on, the seat comes down and hits my head. Oooh! I don t believe it. You sailors are all the same - saucy - and thank goodness! (Song. Suggestion for all three to do: All the nice girls love a Sailor ) (At end of dance ALL EXIT on BLACKOUT.) 28

29 ACT ONE SCENE 4 Inside Fitzwarren s Store This set requires a counter, behind which is an old fashioned safe, also a highly placed shelf which has a step ladder reaching to it. On the shelf some large tins or jars of old fashioned sweets. Only one needs to be practical, marked Humbugs. Arrange a convenient hook in a prominent position which will be where Dick s coat is to be hung. Open this scene with a full-scale production chorus number. N.B. Suggestion - The Quarter-Masters Stores only re-write that particular line to Fitzwarren s super store. This would be particularly applicable because one verse does have the lines There were Rats! Rats, Large as Bloomin cats In the Stores, in the Stores. This music can probably be found in an album containing Second World War songs. At end of number chorus EXIT and IDLE ENTERS and proceeds to sweep floor. Door opens and two small children enter. Make first two girls, second two boys. 1ST CHILD 2ND CHILD BOTH Hello, Idle Jack. Could we buy some sweets please? What sort of sweets would you like? A mint humbug please. A mint humbug! A mint humbug! Now where do we keep those? (They look along counter and suddenly children see the jar containing them on the high shelf) There they are, right up there. They would be! And I hate heights. Are you sure you want a humbug? What about a nice lolly Pop? 29

30 2ND CHILD 1ST CHILD 3RD CHILD 4TH CHILD 3RD CHILD 4TH CHILD 30 No thank you. I want a humbug! (Jack ascends steps nervously and making it difficult. He balances on top precariously and opens jar, removes humbug, replaces lid and descends) There you are. One humbug, that ll be one halfpenny. (To other child) Now what would you like? I d like a humbug please. (Goes to slosh child but turns it into a pat on the head) Dear little girl. Oh well, anything for a quiet life. (Goes through previous business again) Alderman Fitzwarren told me I d get a rise in the future. This looks like the only one I ll get. (On returning down) There we are my little dear. One humbug - one half-penny. Off you go and don t come back this side of next year!! (They EXIT and Jack starts to straighten counter. Door opens and two little boys ENTER. They can of course be girls dressed as boys. They immediately start to fight. rushes to separate them) Hey you two, stop that fighting. You should love your enemy. He s not my enemy, he s my brother Well, you should learn to give and take. We did give and take. I gave him a black eye and he took my sweets. That s not the way to go about things. You should try to make someone happy every day. We ve just been to see our Auntie Matilda and we made her very happy! That s nice. And how did you do that? She was very happy when we left!!

31 3RD CHILD 4TH CHILD 4TH CHILD 1ST CUSTOMER 1ST CUSTOMER 2ND CUSTOMER 2ND CUSTOMER 3RD CUSTOMER I ll bet she was. Now you little b... b... b... boys, what can I get you? I d like a humbug please. Oh no not that again! (Climbs ladder but this time brings jar down with him) There we are sonny, a lovely humbug. One half-penny! (To other boy) Now what about you, would you like a humbug? No thank you. (Jack picks up jar and climbs back up ladder, replaces it on top shelf and returns) Now, little man, what would you like? Two humbugs please! (Jack gives a shriek and chases kids from store) (To audience) As one cannibal said to the other, I just love children!!! No, I really do! I used to go to school with them!!! (This next sequence needs to be performed with swiftness for maximum effect. Each customer dashing on and off to keep the momentum.) I say, have you two. inch nails? Yes I ve got two inch nails. Scratch my back will you, I ve a terrible itch! (He EXITS, ENTER 2nd Customer) Did you get my leg of lamb? Yes I ve got your leg of lamb. Is it New Zealand or Welsh? What do you want to do? Eat it or talk to it! (EXIT, and ENTER 3rd Customer) My hair keeps falling out - have you got anything for it? 31

32 4TH CUSTOMER 4TH CUSTOMER 4TH CUSTOMER What about a cardboard box! (EXITS and ENTER 4th Customer) I ve just got a new gas stove for my wife! Gosh! That was a good exchange! We re over-run with rats. Have you any rat poison? Sorry, we ve sold out of rat poison. Why don t you try Boots. I wanna poison them, not kick em to death!!! (He EXITS as ENTERS carrying replenishments for the Store. She is singing loudly and off key) Ooooh what a beeoootiful morning, Ooooh what a beeootiful day. I ve got a beeootiful feeling... Better make the most of it, can t happen often... Anyway what a dreadful racket. Shut yer gob and give yer brain a chance!!! (Indignantly) I ll have you know my singing teacher says I ve got a beautiful voice. He says it s Really heavenly! (Disbelievingly) Really Heavenly??? Well what he actually said was It sounded like nothing on earth (pause), but he did say I had musical feet! I can see that, they re both flat! Let me tell you I m a wonderful tap dancer (pause). Only snag is I keep falling in the sink. Come on Sarah, we d better check the stockroom and see what we need to order for the ship. (As they EXIT the lights dim and flash and ENTER KING RAT) 32

33 KING RAT KING RAT AUDIENCE KING RAT & KING RAT & (WITH AUDIENCE) KING RAT Ah Ha - you see it s me again! To foil that Fairy is my aim. Whilst those two fools prepare the ship Into a disguise I ll quickly slip. (He quickly covers himself with a large cloak and widebrimmed hat) As a customer their attention I ll claim! With guile and deceit, it will be my aim To make them accomplices in my evil plot To disgrace Dick Whittington, so that he will rot In prison - or - an even better plan That he be expelled from London, in a lifelong ban. (As a customer King Rat now drops the rhyming style of speech). Now how do I get those idiots back? (He sees aspidistra) Ah Ha, what s this lousy weed doing here! (He goes to take aspidistra). Oi! Oi! Oi! ( and both rush back. Stage lighting returns to original) Quick! Quick Jack, someone s gathering up my garden! Hey put that down (She grabs plant from King Rat). I say, what a funny whiff there is round here. I think I smell a rat!!! Oh no you don t! Oh yes we do! Oh no you don t! Oh yes we do! (To audience) You lot can shut up for a start. If you don t I ll poison your ice creams in the Interval! Or tamper with your gin and tonics! 33

34 KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT & Audience will probably respond in the foregoing. Use them to advantage but remember not to overdo it) (To Sarah) Now listen here my good woman! (Indignantly) Don t you call me a good woman. O.K. I ll take your word for it! (The following should be played at great speed) Have you any butter? No. Betty Batter had the butter. Betty Batter had the butter??? But she said the butter s bitter. (bemused) Betty Batter had the butter, But she said the butters bitter? She said she put it in her batter, And it made her batter bitter! So Betty Batter had the butter. But she said the butter s bitter So she put it in her batter And it made her batter bitter. That s right, Betty Batter put the bitter butter in her batter. And the bitter butter in her batter made the batter bitter. (Together) So the bitter butter That Betty Batter bought Was the only butter We had down in the vault And the bitter butter That made poor Betty bitter Was not the better butter That Fitzwarren thought he bought. Phew - (They collapse). 34

35 KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT & KING RAT, (AND AUDIENCE) KING RAT, (AND AUDIENCE)! KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT So I take it you have no butter! (Once again) No. Betty Batter had the butter, But...She said the butter s...! (In rage) SHUT UP! Now tell me do you stock snuff. Oh yes, we stock snuff. Which sort do you like. Home made snuff or shop snuff? I snuff shop snuff! Do you shop at the snuff shop for shop snuff? I snuff enough snuff to stock a snuff shop. (To King Rat) Oh SNUFF UP - I mean SHUT UP. You know Jack, I m sure I still snuff a rat - er -er - I mean smell a rat. Oh no you don t. Oh yes we do! Oh no you don t. Oh yes we do! Oh yes you do! (This last response usually throws the Audience into a confused response). I m feeling rather thirsty. Could I have a glass of water? There we are, (Put glass in front of him on counter) that ll be two pounds fifty. (Astonished) Two pounds fifty for a glass of water Yes, I ve got a note here - it says Water Rates two pounds fifty. (To audience) Well it is only the fifteenth century. (W hatever period is decided.) Huh. Well tell me, is this water pure? 35

36 KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT AUDIENCE AUDIENCE As pure as the girl of your dreams. In that case I ll have some lemonade! No - I tell! you what, I ve got something really special here. (Takes out bottle) One sip of this and all your cares will disappear. Oooh now wonderful! I ve been feeling very strained of late. Must be my new bra. Your new bra? Yes, I bought one of those new fangled living bras, but I forgot to feed it!!! Ah well, a little sip of this will give you an uplift! And make you feel like a new woman. I d rather feel like a new man. Oo-er, what do I mean. (To audience) No! Don t laugh; I m all confused. Don t know what I should feel like now. (This is especially relevant when Dame is played by a man. Otherwise leave reply at... Like a new man ) Go on, just a little sip (persuasively) (To audience) Oh Boys and Girls, should I have sip? NO! NO! NO! NO! Maybe just a little one! NO! NO! It s poison etc. (Play this according to response) Oh I m sure a little drinkie won t hurt (she sips) Oooohhh, that s lovely, just like California Syrup of Rhubarb! Go on Jack - try it.. Once I start I won t be able to stop! (drily) That s what all the girls say! (He guzzles from bottle) That s smashing. Can I have some more please? 36

37 KING RAT KING RAT KING RAT ALICE Too much makes you go all weak and limp! Story of my life! Just a couple of seconds and you ll really start to feel the benefits - HA! HA! HA! (Suddenly and start to convulse, with effects from drummer on drums and cymbals. They finally face front in a stiff pose as though sleep walking). (Throw hat and cloak off behind counter) At last, at last they re in my power, Twill not be long ere comes the hour When Dick shall be exposed to all As a thief, without friends on who to call! His fall from grace, his fears, his shame Is all I need to win this game. (To Sarah and Jack) Come follow me. (They ALL EXIT. and in a trance. ENTER WHITTINGTON and ALICE) Alice! It s really wonderful to have a job and not feel hungry any more and it s even more wonderful to have met someone like you. I feel exactly the same, Dick. I ve never met anyone like you before. One day I too intend to be a merchant of London. Then I ll have enough money to buy a house in Lincolns Inn Fields and ask you to be my wife. (Duet needed here. Suggestion Why Do I Love You or similar. Could also be opportunity to do a pop number providing it s relevant to the situation. They embrace at finish. ENTER ). 37

38 KING RAT So this is where I find you, wasting my time when you should be preparing for the voyage. Dick, go down to the cellars and check that the rats haven t got into any more of the provisions whilst Alice and I check all the linen and wool we re exporting. Yes Sir. I ll just roll up my sleeves and put my jacket here to keep it clean. (Hangs it on hook in prominent view) (THEY ALL EXIT) (Lights dim and KING RAT ENTERS leading and still in trance) Come, your tranced perambulation Will lead you to Fitzwarren s safe Where, with knowledge of the combination The door will open, without any hash, To reveal his deeds! His jewels! His cash! Place these things with all due care Into Whittington s coat which is hanging there. Then your actions controlled by my spell Will be released and you will find You ll have no knowledge of this task unkind. Dick s punishment will match his crime To be banished from London for all time. HA! HA! HA! (He EXITS and sinister music should underscore the following action, which is without words. and, moving like Zombies, go to safe which they unlock with the combination, then - removing the jewel and money bag - they go straight to Dick s jacket, placing them in the pocket. They move forward to centre front still trance-like and the spell is broken by Fitzwarren ENTERING clanging a handbell to summon his staff and crew, who all ENTER) 38

39 CROWD (Ad-Lib) ALICE TOGETHER Come on you couple of dozy-looking twerps. You look as thoughyou ve just got up. Stir your stumps, it s payday and I m going to give you all two weeks money in advance to prepare for your voyage to Morocco. How wonderful! Just what I need! Two whole weeks pay - Wow I hadn t got any money left etc. etc. Now line up there. (They form a queue before the counter and Fitzwarren goes to safe) Let me see, where did I put that money bag (he rummages). It s gone!! Its not here. Someone has broken into my safe and stolen all my money and jewels. (Runs to Father) Father its not possible, who would do such a thing? I don t know Alice, but I mean to find out! Sarah, Jack, you were serving in the stores today. Did you see anyone behaving suspiciously? (They look at each other but cannot remember anything at all) No! No! We didn t see anyone at all. Are you sure? Did you leave the store for any reason? Well only when we had our coffee break but then Dick looked after the shop. (The crowd by now are very quiet and watching intently). Then we must ask Dick if he saw anything suspicious. Where is he? (At that moment comes struggling on with a large sack) 39

40 ALICE So Phew, that s quite a weight! (To Fitzwarren) I think the rats might have got into this, Sir, there s large hole near the top. I m not concerned about that lad, there are moor important matters to hand. Tell me, did you notice anything or anyone suspicious whilst you looked after the shop this morning? (Looking around at all the sombre faces) Why sir, what do you mean? I didn t notice anything. What s happened? Alice, what s wrong? Someone has broken into my safe and stolen all my money and jewels. Oh! How awful! Who would do such a deed? (Thoughtfully gazing at Dick) I ve no idea, boy, Obviously someone poor with big ideas for the future. (Suddenly realising) Oh Father - No - You can t possibly think... Oh you can t... (Suddenly dawning) Sir! You can t believe that would do such a thing. Besides Sir, I m honest I wouldn t steal ever. I d rather give things, not take them I didn t say anything Dick. No! I know - but (looking around), I can tell by the looks on some on your faces. I know I m a stranger here, but I m not a thief. Look! I ll prove it, search me! I ve only this jacket here. (He rushes up to take his jacket off the hook and give! it to Fitzwarren.) Please Sir! Search it and clear my name. I swear I didn t steal your money. Very well Dick. (He put his hand in pocket and brings out money bag. There is a gasp from crowd). 40

41 ALICE CROWD (Ad-Lib) ALICE Whittington! Not only are you a thief but a liar also. (Aghast) But Sir! I don t understand. Truly I didn t have anything to do with this! Alice! (He runs to her) You ve got to believe me! I believe you Dick, but somehow we ll have to prove beyond a doubt. Get out of my shop at once, Whittington, and leave London otherwise I ll set the law onto you. Go on, get out! You re a thief - Go on, clear off - How could you do such a thing - Leave London at once etc. (Goes in turn to various groups who turn their backs on him). Please I beg you, don t believe this. Somebody has planted those things in my pocket. I wouldn t do such a thing after all the kindness I ve been shown. Oh please (they turn). You ve got to believe me (more turn). Alice, please! Please! (starts to cry) Dick... Oh Dick, I do believe you. Come away Alice, at once, and you, Dick Whittington, get out. If you re still here when I return I ll have you imprisoned. (They EXIT and crowd also disperse leaving only Dick on stage. Mood music starts here). How could anyone do this. (Starts to breakdown) I ve got no one and nothing in the world now. Nowhere to go - no friends! (Suddenly TOMMY comes on, sees Dick standing dejectedly and goes to him and rubs himself against his leg). 41

42 Oh Tommy, at least you re still my friend (cat nods). I ve got to leave London at once. Do you want to come with me? (cat nods) I don t know where we ll go but we d better start walking. Come on. (He picks up his stick and bundle and the lights dim to BLACK OUT as they move off. During this last seen, there should be mood music which builds at climax). 42

43 ACT ONE SCENE 5 The Milestone on Highgate Hill This obviously is either a front cloth or tabs with indicative small pieces of setting. ENTER. It is night-time. Come on Tommy, stop lagging behind. long way to go. (TOMMY limps on. He has his paws bandaged and is feeling very sorry for himself) Poor Tommy. I d forgotten you ve only got soft furry paws and they re covered in blisters, aren t they? You know I think you d better change your mind and go back. You ll never be able to make it back to Gloucestershire. (TOMMY nods that he will go on) TOMMY Meeow - Meeow - Meeow. No Tommy. For your own good you ve got to go back. Go on, there s a good boy! (TOMMY shakes his head) Tommy, you mustn t make things difficult for me. It s bad enough losing you, but, after all, they ve only turned me out of London and I can t bear to see you in pain. So go along, be a good boy and return. After all, there s plenty of food there with all those rats around. TOMMY Meeow! Meeow! Meeow! No Tommy please! Please don t argue. Go on, back you go. ( starts to cry and TOMMY moves dejectedly towards wings. He keeps turning to wave a paw in goodbye) 43

44 44 (Heartbreaking) Go on, Tommy, don t make it harder than it is. Just go! (TOMMY EXITS. wipes his eyes on the bat of his hand) (to audience) I was right to send him back, wasn t I? AUDIENCE AUDIENCE AUDIENCE AUDIENCE AUDIENCE (will obviously respond) NO! But you see his feet were so sore, he couldn t walk much further. Oh, I was right, wasn t I? NO! Do you think I should call him back, then! YES! YES! But he ll probably be quite a way away now and won t hear me. I tell you what, will you help me and call Tommy with me! When I count three we ll all shout Tommy as loud as we can. Ready - ONE! TWO! THREE! TOMMY! (looking anxiously offstage) I can t see him. Perhaps we should try once more. Ready - ON TWO! THREE! TOMMY! (TOMMY comes bouncing back and he and embrace.) Oh thank goodness you heard us! My friends here helped to call you. You d better thank them(tommy gives a deep bow). Well that s O.K. for the boys but what about the girls! (TOMMY blows kisses to the girls) Oh Tommy, you are saucy! Anyway I m so glad you ve come back. Nothing will separate us again. I tell you what, lets rest awhile by this milestone and let your feet get better.

45 FAIRY KING RAT FAIRY (They sit themselves comfortably) Oh dear Tommy, here we both are - outcasts and yesterday I was so happy. A good job and a blossoming friendship with Alice., (He sighs) Oh dear, yesterday seems so far away now! (Song suggestion Yesterday, all my Troubles seemed so faraway ) Come on Tommy, we d better get some sleep before we carry on. (They snuggle together in sleep. ENTER FAIRY with a flash). Poor Dick, at present King Rat has his way! But now my magic will turn skies from grey. Sleep on - and whilst in slumber spent, I ll cause Fitzwarren a reason to relent. Your return too you ll see, beyond any doubt To Olde London Town, that cast you out. (Flash and ENTER KING RAT) Ah! Ha! At last I have won the day. Whittington is finished. Turned away From streets he thought were paved in gold. My ruse to brand him Thief was bold! And now he leaves complete with cat Whilst all of London belongs to King Rat. Ha! Ha! Ha! (He EXITS) Laugh on King Rat, for power you yearn! But Dick s dream shall inspire him to return. On Highgate Hill this very night A legend will grow both just and right That anyone, unfairly cast down Can return to high office in Old London Town. 45

46 (Ballet now commences. If Fairy can dance then she should lead the routine. This would be a good opportunity for little girl dancers dressed as pixies, elves, fairies etc. This must still take place on the front cloth so keep it brief as a prelude to full setting that is to follow. Dick and Tommy remain asleep on milestone. Music suggestion: Midsummer Night s Dream incidental music by Mendelssohn) LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK OUT. 46

47 ACT ONE SCENE 6 Dick Whittingtons Dream This can be as lavish as you possibly can make it. It should try to resemble London s Guildhall with hanging medieval banners representing the various coats of Arms of the Guilds and Associations of London traders. This scene can also be doubled for the second half finale so keeping expenses down. If you ve used a smoke machine for the London scene earlier then it can be used here again to create a dreamlike quality. Only misty effect though, not a London pea souper. FAIRY A stirring march is needed musically to bring on a parade of ALDERMEN with their LADIES. These are your adult chorus. Finally WHITTINGTON ENTERS resplendent in a flowing cloak and plumed hat, to represent The Lord Mayor of London. TOMMY is at his side and following him are the fairy folk who form a tableau. ( is centre stage. He needs a stirring song here to complete scene. Song suggestion I ll go my Way by Myself or similar. Remember to choose a number pertinent to the action and story line. Use singing chorus for big climax. At end of song FAIRY ENTERS with Sword of Office which she hands to Dick.) Dick Whittington, your dream is now complete. It is now your task that King Rat you defeat. So turn again Whittington Lord Mayor of London Turn again Whittington, thrice Lord Mayor of London. 47