A short comedy by Don Zolidis

Transcription

1 EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE SCARLET LETTER IN 10 MINUTES OR LESS A short comedy by Don Zolidis This script is for evaluation only. It may not be printed, photocopied or distributed digitally under any circumstances. Possession of this file does not grant the right to perform this play or any portion of it, or to use it for classroom study. info@youthplays.com

2 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 Minutes or less 2013 Don Zolidis All rights reserved. ISBN Caution: This play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, Canada, the British Commonwealth and all other countries of the copyright union and is subject to royalty for all performances including but not limited to professional, amateur, charity and classroom whether admission is charged or presented free of charge. Reservation of Rights: This play is the property of the author and all rights for its use are strictly reserved and must be licensed by his representative, YouthPLAYS. This prohibition of unauthorized professional and amateur stage presentations extends also to motion pictures, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video and the rights of adaptation or translation into non-english languages. Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments: Amateur and stock performance rights are administered exclusively by YouthPLAYS. No amateur, stock or educational theatre groups or individuals may perform this play without securing authorization and royalty arrangements in advance from YouthPLAYS. Required royalty fees for performing this play are available online at Royalty fees are subject to change without notice. Required royalties must be paid each time this play is performed and may not be transferred to any other performance entity. All licensing requests and inquiries should be addressed to YouthPLAYS. Author Credit: All groups or individuals receiving permission to produce this play must give the author(s) credit in any and all advertisement and publicity relating to the production of this play. The author s billing must appear directly below the title on a separate line with no other accompanying written matter. The name of the author(s) must be at least 50% as large as the title of the play. No person or entity may receive larger or more prominent credit than that which is given to the author(s) and the name of the author(s) may not be abbreviated or otherwise altered from the form in which it appears in this Play. Publisher Attribution: All programs, advertisements, flyers or other printed material must include the following notice: Produced by special arrangement with YouthPLAYS ( Prohibition of Unauthorized Copying: Any unauthorized copying of this book or excerpts from this book, whether by photocopying, scanning, video recording or any other means, is strictly prohibited by law. This book may only be copied by licensed productions with the purchase of a photocopy license, or with explicit permission from YouthPLAYS. Trade Marks, Public Figures & Musical Works: This play may contain references to brand names or public figures. All references are intended only as parody or other legal means of expression. This play may also contain suggestions for the performance of a musical work (either in part or in whole). YouthPLAYS has not obtained performing rights of these works unless explicitly noted. The direction of such works is only a playwright s suggestion, and the play producer should obtain such permissions on their own. The website for the U.S. copyright office is

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4 CAST OF CHARACTERS BOB DANI CROWD (played by Bob) HESTER PRYNNE (played by Dani) CHILLINGWORTH (played by Dani or Bob) MINISTER (played by Bob) PEARL (played by Bob) DIMSDALE (played by Bob) ELIZABETH (played by Dani) HAWTHORNE (played by Bob) How to perform this play: NOTES Method 1: Two actors play all the roles, including Dani and Bob and the crowds. This involves switching characters instantly on stage with a change in stance or voice. Small pieces of costume could do the trick. For example, Chillingworth might have a cane. Pearl might have a bonnet. Anything that could be lightning-quick and not slow down the show in the slightest. Chillingworth may be played by either actor (Dani or Bob), and does not need to be played by the same actor throughout the show (i.e. Dani can play him in one scene, and Bob in another, as long as the characterization is consistent). Method 2: Dani and Bob are separate entities, and all other roles are performed by 2 additional actors. Method 3: All roles are performed by different actors. I actually think this is the least funny way to perform this play, so I don't encourage this, but if you have a large group, it's conceivable that you could use a cast of for this play.

5 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less 5 (DANI is sitting down with a copy of The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. She is on page 1, and writhing in agony at the reading process.) DANI: Arrrgh. Urrrrh. Oh man this book. This book hurts my head. (BOB, chipper, enters.) BOB: Hey Dani! Want to go cow tipping? I hear the cows are real sleepy this time of night. DANI: I wish I could but I have to read this stupid Scarlet Letter book for English class. We have a huge test on it tomorrow! If there was only some way to slice open my brain and pour the book in so I don't have to spend time reading it. BOB: YOU'RE IN LUCK! With the power of theatre, we can open up your brain right here! Metaphorically speaking! DANI: Wow, let's do it! BOB: Sweet! This will count as my community service time too, which will help me in the courts. So now...for your viewing pleasure...the book that no one has ever read for fun: The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne! DANI: Can I ask why we have to read The Scarlet Letter if everyone hates it? BOB: We have to read The Scarlet Letter because everyone hates it. DANI: Huh? BOB: Exactly. You see your English teachers hated it when they were in school, but they were forced to read it when they were growing up, just as their teachers were forced to read it when they were growing up. Soon, when you are older, you'll force the next generation to read it too. And on and on it will go until the end of time, a chain of misery and suffering

6 6 Don Zolidis stretching down through our descendants, linking us together in an unending web of darkness and ruin. DANI: Wow. BOB: The Circle of Life. But let's get to it! Chapter One. (Dani becomes HESTER.) Massachusetts. Sixteen hundred something. Before anyone had any sense. A woman stands alone on a platform, holding her baby. A large red A embroidered on her chest. (Someone throws a baby at Hester.) A crowd gathers. (Bob assumes various crowd personas.) "Hey! Hey you! We've come to heckle you!" "We don't enjoy your company!" "We don't like your baby either!" "I've seen better babies in the woods. Where the babies are." "Hey how come you got a fancy A? You think you're better than block letters?!" "We'll teach you to use cursive." "Anyone want to throw something at the baby? Anyone? Who here has the moral rectitude to punch that baby? Anyone?" (Short pause.) "Come on people. Jesus wants you to punch the baby." (A small child with a British accent:) Please, sir. I'll punch the baby. (Back to the other person:) No your arms are too spindly and week. I need a housewife. (Becomes a housewife:) I'll do it!

7 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less 7 (Back to the other person:) Step right up! Step right up! Time for the righteous to maintain order! Hi-Ya!! (Housewife approaches:) (Big reaction:) Ooooooh! (Another assault:) And... Wha-cha! And boo-ya! HESTER: Please stop punching my baby. HOUSEWIFE: Oh take a look at Miss Sinner trying to stop us from punching the baby. Trollope. BOB: And so Hester was done with her daily service to the community. HOUSEWIFE: Peace be with you. God loves you. He wants to see you suffer though. That's why He's sending you to hell. HESTER: Man, I hate Salem. BOB: Miss your husband, do ya? HESTER: No! BOB AND HESTER: Flashback flashback flashback! (Bob becomes CHILLINGWORTH, a truly disgusting hunchbacked monster.) MINISTER: Do you, Hester, take this old disgusting man Chillingworth to be your lawful wedded husband because you have no other options? HESTER: I guess so.

8 8 Don Zolidis MINISTER: Moo ah ha ha ha! CHILLINGWORTH: Heee heee heee! righteous bride! Come with me my (Chillingworth coughs horribly. Spits something out. He's truly disgusting.) Even though I'm forty years older than you, God has blessed our union because you don't have a lot of say in these things. I will remind you, however, that you would do well to cover up your suggestive ankle. It may tempt men to sin. (Becomes a man walking by:) MAN: Whoah! Check out the ankle on that babe! Woo hoo! Hubba hubba! CHILLINGWORTH: That was your fault by the way. HESTER: I feel a little oppressed. CHILLINGWORTH: Good. Now, because I love you, I'm going to send you to America by yourself and wait five or six years for me to show up. I'm sure you'll have no trouble fending off wolves, Indians HESTER: I call them Native Americans. CHILLINGWORTH: I call them Savages. Bears. Diseases. Icy winters. Et cetera. I'm sure God will look after you, because if there's one thing I know about God, He really takes care of single women on their own. Welp. Anyhoo, I'm going to kick around England for a while and get kidnapped by pirates. Remember darling. It's all part of God's plan. All right now go. (He slaps her behind.) HESTER: You hit me on the rump.

9 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less 9 CHILLINGWORTH: Honey. Remember: We're in a stifling patriarchy, I can do anything I want to you. Boy it's good to be alive, right? Am I right? BOB: So Hester went to America. (Hester pukes on the boat.) It was a long voyage. Beset with many giant squids which attacked on a regular basis. (Bob becomes a giant squid and threatens the ship.) Bllauarurururuu! HESTER: Wait a minute, a giant squid attacks me? BOB: I'm just trying to spice this up! This book is so boring! Oh wait...no it wasn't...because once she got to America she met... (Hester stops and stares with longing.) HESTER: Richard Dimsdale. BOB: (Angelic humming:) Aaaaaaaaah. (Describing Dimsdale:) There he was. So righteous. So unbelievably righteous. With eyes like an angel and the firm, toned physique of a woodsman. He even smelled good. HESTER: I will show no desire. DIMSDALE: Whoops. Dropped my shoe. (He bends down to pick it up.) HESTER: Please watch over me God. DIMSDALE: By the way, I noticed you were living in that cabin all by yourself. If you ever need any help building a fire, let me know... HESTER: A fire?

10 10 Don Zolidis DIMSDALE: (Seductive:) Yes I'm...very good at...starting...fires. HESTER: (Seductive:) Are you? DIMSDALE : (Even more seductive:) All kinds of...fires. HESTER : (Also even more seductive:) That must come in handy. DIMSDALE: (Impossibly seductive:) I'm very...handy. HESTER: (In heat:) Would you like something to drink? DIMSDALE: (In even more heat:) Oh yes I'd like something...to drink. HESTER: (Growls.) DIMSDALE: (Growls louder.) HESTER: (Growls again.) DIMSDALE: (Howls like a wolf.) (Simultaneously they both begin a dance number.) DANI: This book doesn't seem so bad. It's kind of like 50 Shades of Grey. BOB: Not so much. Anyway, so nine months later (BABY is thrown in.) HESTER: Hey look what the evil stork dropped on me! How'd this happen?! BOB: Fast forward (They run around and fast forward.) For about six years. Until... (Bob gets on his knees and becomes PEARL.) PEARL: 'Ello. I'm Pearl. And I'm a symbol of your sinfulness.

11 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less 11 HESTER: Go to bed honey. PEARL: I will. But also remember that I was conceived in sin and you are doomed to hell. HESTER: Thanks. I almost forgot about that seeing as how I am publicly shamed every day for the entire freaking novel. BOB: Ooh! By the way fun digression! Nathaniel Hawthorne modeled the character of Hester Prynne after his wife, Elizabeth. (Hester switches into ELIZABETH. Bob switches to HAWTHORNE and begins writing furiously.) ELIZABETH: Dear husband, what are you working on? HAWTHORNE: Just a book. ELIZABETH: What's it about? HAWTHORNE: It's about a woman who commits adultery and is forced to stand on a platform while children spit at her for ever and ever. I'm basing her character on you. (Short pause.) ELIZABETH: Is there something you'd like to talk about? HAWTHORNE: Nope. I'm getting all my rage out right here. (They switch back.) BOB: Back to our epic tale! (Dani becomes Chillingworth.) CHILLINGWORTH: Well now I have arrived! Moo ah ha ha ha! (Bob becomes Pearl.) And who might you be? PEARL: My name is Pearl. I was conceived in sin.

12 12 Don Zolidis CHILLINGWORTH: (As The Simpsons' Mr. Burns:) Excellent. BOB: Meanwhile Hester was still standing on the platform every day. HESTER: All right patriarchy. some more. BOB: (As the crowd:) "We still don't like you!" "No one here has ever done anything wrong!" "I'd like to cast the first stone!" "This is totally what Jesus had in mind!" (Chillingworth watches.) Go ahead and oppress me CHILLINGWORTH: Well now...isn't this an interesting turn of events. I wonder who the father could be? CROWD: Who's the Baby Daddy! Tell us the Baby Daddy! Ba-By Daddy! Ba-By Daddy! (He turns back into Bob.) He was crazy stone- BOB: Dimsdale didn't say anything. faced. DIMSDALE: Aaaaaah! BOB: But at night he felt very bad and flogged himself. (Pause.) DANI: He did what? BOB: He flogged himself. Self-flogging. DANI: Does that make you feel better? BOB: Well. While you're flogging it does. Afterwards not so much. (Dimsdale starts flogging himself.) DIMSDALE: Ow. I suck. Ow. I suck. Ow. I suck.

13 Everything you need to know about The Scarlet Letter in 10 minutes or less 13 CHILLINGWORTH: I say dear man. I wonder if you needed a roommate? DIMSDALE: Yeah sure why not? BOB: This is where the irony comes in! Anyway, Chillingworth figures out that Dimsdale is the Baby Daddy and begins a campaign of mental torture! Because that's what anyone would do. (Dimsdale and Chillingworth work side by side.) CHILLINGWORTH: Mmmmmmmm... (As soon as Dimsdale looks the other way:) Adultery! DIMSDALE: Did you say something? CHILLINGWORTH: Nope. Mmmmmm... (Dimsdale looks away.) Sinner. DIMSDALE: What? CHILLINGWORTH: I didn't say anything. Maybe it was the voice of God you heard. DIMSDALE: Huh. CHILLINGWORTH: Mmmmmm... (Dimsdale looks away again.) Adultery adultery sinner babies going to hell tortured forever. DIMSDALE: Ah! I'm going mad! (He runs out.) CHILLINGWORTH: Excellent. BOB: So Dimsdale ran into the woods DANI: Symbolism!

14 14 Don Zolidis (Dimsdale runs through the woods in a very effeminate, confused manner.) DIMSDALE: Ow. Ooch. Ouchy. Oh no. Ow. (Hester runs in.) HESTER: What are you doing here? Want to read the entire script? Order a perusal copy today!